Maybe I come off as too crass, too boastful on my resume. Maybe I need something to soften the tone. Perhaps then I can get an interview??? In today’s hipster style hiring wasteland, that can only mean one thing-emojis! (and over-punctuation ! ! !) 🙂

In business school we were taught to write our resumes using STAR bullet points. I’m a star, you’re a star, we are all stars. STAR stands for Situation, Task, Action, Result.

Situation: What life-crisis were you in your infinite wisdom and experience trying to solve?

Task: What specifically did you have to do?

Action: Use a strong verb to show how you executed the task.

Result: Include the success and try to use an obscure number to make it look legitimate.

Example: Created MDMA conglomerate by partnering with local drug dealers resulting in mass distribution of fake molly pills throughout the tri-county area yielding a gross profit of $2.32 million.

Obviously, this STAR bullet point could be used on any supply-chain job application or a generic posting that requires ability to work with a team and interdisciplinary skills. Unfortunately, HR doesn’t know how to read meaning your STARS will end up in the black hole of submitted applications- their recycle bin.

The only way to catch HR’s attention and to really show your worth is to use the DOUCHE method. DOUCHE stands for the following:

DOU: What did U do? No need to spell out ‘you’, that’s not hip.

C: The C is for Crushed it. Always reference crushin’ whatever task you had to do.

H: The H is for Hipster. Be sure to throw in a reference to how social media helped you solve the problem.

E: And of course, end your sentence with an emoji!

Examples: 

• I Crushed it on Facebook selling local crafts at a sick markup overseas 😉
• I Killed it on Twitter by getting a boatload of followers to retweet my shit 
• Didn’t quite Crush it on Pinterest but learned a ton from trying this wicked social media platform 

There you have it everyone! Abandon your lame business school formula for writing your resume and step into the 21st DOUCHE century.

If that doesn’t work, I don’t know what to tell you ! ! ! 😕