Bullet Points on Resumes??? No, Use Emojis!!!

Maybe I come off as too crass, too boastful on my resume. Maybe I need something to soften the tone. Perhaps then I can get an interview??? In today’s hipster style hiring wasteland, that can only mean one thing-emojis! (and over-punctuation ! ! !) 🙂

In business school we were taught to write our resumes using STAR bullet points. I’m a star, you’re a star, we are all stars. STAR stands for Situation, Task, Action, Result.

Situation: What life-crisis were you in your infinite wisdom and experience trying to solve?

Task: What specifically did you have to do?

Action: Use a strong verb to show how you executed the task.

Result: Include the success and try to use an obscure number to make it look legitimate.

Example: Created MDMA conglomerate by partnering with local drug dealers resulting in mass distribution of fake molly pills throughout the tri-county area yielding a gross profit of $2.32 million.

Obviously, this STAR bullet point could be used on any supply-chain job application or a generic posting that requires ability to work with a team and interdisciplinary skills. Unfortunately, HR doesn’t know how to read meaning your STARS will end up in the black hole of submitted applications- their recycle bin.

The only way to catch HR’s attention and to really show your worth is to use the DOUCHE method. DOUCHE stands for the following:

DOU: What did U do? No need to spell out ‘you’, that’s not hip.

C: The C is for Crushed it. Always reference crushin’ whatever task you had to do.

H: The H is for Hipster. Be sure to throw in a reference to how social media helped you solve the problem.

E: And of course, end your sentence with an emoji!


  • I Crushed it on Facebook selling local crafts at a sick markup overseas 😉
  • I Killed it on Twitter by getting a boatload of followers to retweet my shit :-)
  • Didn’t quite Crush it on Pinterest but learned a ton from trying this wicked social media platform :-(

There you have it everyone! Abandon your lame business school formula for writing your resume and step into the 21st DOUCHE century.

If that doesn’t work, I don’t know what to tell you ! ! ! 😕


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